A lover not a fighter

Eli has been full of hilarious quips lately.  Yesterday on the way to church the boys were talking about watching the Peanuts movie the night before.  Isaac said that the movie made him feel like he wanted to cry.  Eli said the movie made him feel like he wanted to kiss a girl. :)  Then last night at dinner he said to Ryan, "Daddy, did you ever get that feeling when your heart beats so hard and you feel like you want to kiss a girl?"  Ryan said that he had in fact had that feeling. To which Eli replied that he felt like he wanted to kiss a girl.  I do not know any other 6 year old boy on the planet that thinks about kissing girls!  He just feels so deeply about so many things.

On our kitchen table we have this little jar of questions and Eva was asking the boys different things. She asked Eli what he liked about each person in our family.  He said, "I like mommy because she makes the goodest stuff and she's so sweet; Daddy because (I didn't understand the first thing he said) and because he is so silly; Isaac because he is my best friend; and Eva because she is the most beautifulest."  

I love the things kids say! :)

Why our autism diagnosis was one of the best things to happen to us.

I was always terrified that I would have a kid with autism.  And now I do.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how sometimes God gives us what we are most afraid of and then shows himself faithful.  And now I realize that Eli's diagnosis was one of the best things to happen for us.  Prior to that diagnosis, we were frustrated, secluded, angry, and clueless.  I had this little boy that I loved fiercely, but he struggled with so many things.  He cried around other children.  He couldn't tolerate play dates, trips to the park, trips to the store, or classroom settings without a lot of help.  I worried that other people wouldn't ever see what an amazing kid he was.

Then I went to a meeting and his teacher said with such compassion that we should probably have Eli tested for autism.  She put words to my fears.  The moment I got in my car after that meeting, I burst into tears.  I was terrified of all of the unknowns that lay ahead of us.  But God was so quick and faithful to remind me that He made Eli.  He made Eli with a plan and purpose in mind.  An autism diagnosis did not change that.

Almost four years later, I can look at this boy of ours and am completely amazed at how far he has come.  He is making so much progress in all areas of his development.  This year he has made some really sweet friends, he is learning to read, he is trying new foods, and he just likes to generally surprise us with all he knows and remembers.  Just recently, Eli told us about two events that happened when he was 3 years old.  At that age, he had very limited language skills mostly limited to naming objects, repeating phrases from movies and television shows, and repeating what we said (echolalia).  The fact that he was able to tell us memories from hat time frame confirms that he had a whole lot more going on in his brain than what he was able to communicate.  So amazing.

Eli, don't ever doubt that God made you with a purpose.  He has given you the most compassionate heart.  He loves you. We love you.  And we are so glad that you are ours!!!

A Good Realization

The last few days have been a doozy around here.  Saturday night around dinner time, Isaac got really grumpy and wanted to sit in my lap.  The grumpy part isn't all that out of character of him.  :)  He is the most moody of my beloved offspring.  He comes by it honestly, though.  He gets it from his father me.  The fact that he didn't want to eat his dinner was the second clue.  The only time he doesn't eat is when he's sick.  Sure enough within an hour he was saying his tummy hurt.  I'll spare you all the details of what happened for him for the next 10 hours.  By about 3am, though, I realized that I was a ticking time bomb and would likely be the next victim.  But at 5am, Eli beat me to it and came in to tell us that he had just gotten sick in his bed.  *Sigh*  That's how these things go, I suppose.  By that point, I was too nauseous to help with Eli, so it was all Ryan.

Now, here's what you need to know about my sweet husband.  He is a response vomiter.  :)  Thankfully, with 3 kids, he's be desensitized a little bit.  With me not feeling well, he was able to take one for the team and take care of Eli for the next 12 hours.

Here's what you need to know about me:  the moment someone throws up, I turn into a completely psychotic person armed with clorox wipes, essential oils, and any other cleaners that might stop the spread of the nasty germs.  I had already done a once over before going to bed Saturday night, but Ryan stepped into my crazy shoes on Sunday and took care of sick kids armed with clorox wipes.  He's a good one.

All that to say, as I was laying in bed on Sunday and most of the day on Monday out of commission, I was reminded of just how much God has put it in my heart to care for my family.  Being a stay-at-home mom is certainly not the most honored job in the world, but I was reminded this week that is definitely honorable.  God gifts us all in different ways and some women are using their gifts in amazing ways outside of their homes.  Even in college days, some of my friends jokingly called me "Mama Haley", partly because I'm an old soul, but partly because God has given me the desire to take care of the people around me.  Even though I get paid zero dollars for my work, and we have approximately $17 to last until payday, I am so glad to be able to be here to care for my family.  I was actually able to offer a gift of praise to Jesus yesterday as I was doing all the sick laundry.  I must confess that laundry is my nemesis and it had been quite a while since I thanked him for the gift of doing laundry.  :)

Maybe today I will thank Him for the dishes, too.  But let's not get crazy.

Eva's Baptism

(I started this blog after her baptism in November, but never actually finished it until today.  Best of intentions and all of that.)

 Ryan and Eva with our dear friend Matt Sprink

Dear Eva,

This summer, when you left for camp, daddy and I had a feeling that you would make the decision to follow Jesus.  We have watched him faithfully pursue your heart since you were little bitty.  You've always asked questions that were deep for your age.

Today (11/8/15), you were baptized (or Bab-a-tized as you sometimes say) and I was overcome with emotion as I watched you make your public profession of faith.

Sweet girl,  run hard after Jesus.  Nothing else in this life is worth anything without Him.  Keep open eyes to how He pursues you.  Every butterfly that lands near you, every beautiful sunset, every fresh blanket of snow is his love letter to you.  Open it and read it.  Accept it.  His love for you runs deeper than your mind can even yet fathom.  He will never love you more for all of your good deeds and he can NEVER love you any less based on anything you do.  Love like that is worth turning your life upside down for and pursuing with every ounce of your energy.

I have found myself praying, not just for you but also for your brothers, that you will be courageous for Jesus.  I have let fear make too many of my decisions in life and I pray that you will be courageous.  Be reckless for Jesus.  If you want to run wild, run wild with Jesus.  Life with him is guaranteed to be an adventure.  And you my sweet girl, have always loved an adventure.  It's one of my favorite things about you!  He has big plans for you.  Now go chase them!!!

I love you so much!

Dear Children

Dear Precious Children,

This has been a year of changes for our little family.  Moving to a new city, daddy getting a new job, getting a puppy (Lord help me!).  It has been hard and good and sad and exciting.  And God has been with us through it all.  Today, I have been thinking and pondering a lot.  It started with celebrating that Eli went to his first birthday party this weekend and it was a success!  Eli, your progress over the last year has been mind-blowing in the very best of ways.  I want you three to know something that I hope I am able to teach  you, if I teach you nothing else:  Our God is faithful... so, so faithful.  And He is Good.  There will be seasons that hurt.  Seasons in which you will have to say goodbye.  Seasons in which you feel alone or hurt.  In your pain, He is close.  In your transition, He is constant and no matter what He is faithful.  I hope you see the evidence of that in our family.

God so often tells the Israelites in the Old Testament to remember.  Remember what he has done for you because that is how you can know his character even when you can't see him working things out. So, since this little blog started as a way to record what happens in our family, I plan to pick back up with recording what happens and how I can see God working in our family.  I hope and pray that in years to come when you read through this that you will be able to see how God is writing our story for His glory.

There's no one like her

This is the conversation I hear yesterday morning:

Eva walks out of the bathroom and in to Eli's room: "Hey buddy? Would it be okay if I rode my bus this morning?"

Eli must have not said anything.

Eva: "Buddy, if I ride my bus today then I will ride with you again tomorrow. Is that okay?"

This time Eli must have said okay. 

"Thanks buddy. I will ride with you tomorrow okay?" <kisses his head>

She then walks back into the bathroom to finish getting ready for school. Never once did she ask me about it. And I could not be prouder of her. 

At the beginning of the year, Eli had anxiety about getting on the bus without Eva. Every morning she has faithfully put her own interests to the side and ridden the bus with Eli, even though all of her friends are on a different bus. I read once that if you ever want to know how to treat a kid with special needs you should watch their siblings. That could not be more true! Eva understands Eli. But she also doesn't make excuses for him and she will gently push him past his comfort zone. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. When it's the latter she just tells him, "That's okay buddy. We can try again another time."

I'm still not sure how we got lucky enough to have this girl in our family, but man am I thankful! 

(This picture is from Disney World. She's taking care of a sleepy Isaac. I think it captures her heart and the essence of this story.)

Victory

Yesterday, I wore one of my favorite bracelets to church.  The colors tied in my dress with my boots.  As I put it on, I commented to Ryan that the bracelet doesn't fit as well anymore because a year or two ago, I was wearing it when Eli was having a meltdown.  He grabbed the bracelet and pulled it off of my arm which stretched it out.  It still works, but it's looser than it once was.

It hit Ryan and me at the same time.  It has been a really long time since we have dealt with a meltdown like that.  I'm so thankful for those moments, when God reminds me of how far we've come.  We obviously still have behavior issues, but the meltdowns that lasted for an hour have diminished greatly.  He has learned to calm himself down without hurting anyone or destroying anything.  Eli's language has also skyrocketed this last year, so he is better able to understand when we try to reason with him.  Though, it sometimes feels like I'm trying to reason with a stubborn mule.  :)  
I love that kid!

My favorite

I always tell the kids that each one is my favorite. I tell Eva, "You are my favorite girl in the world," or I tell Eli "You are my favorite blue-eyed boy" and Isaac "Tou are my favorite brown-eyed boy." Sometimes I switch things up and give a new descriptor. But the message is always the same. They're my favorite kids!!! 

This afternoon after church everyone was changing to pajamas because it's wet and cold outside. Isaac came and crawled into my lap and said "You're my favorite grown-up."  

I love that kid. He's definitely my favorite. 😉

Home is Where the Heart Is

When I was four years old, my dad took a giant leap of faith and made a career change at the age of 37.  He had been a salesman for Kraft Foods before surrendering to God's call on his life to be a pastor.  Our family of five packed up our house in Louisiana and moved to Texas so my dad could go to seminary.  That was my first move.  Two years later, my dad was hired as the pastor at a small church in central Texas.  Our family moved again.  One year later, we moved again.  Five years after that we moved again.  Almost 6 years later, I moved away for college.  Four years later I moved to Texas to marry my handsome husband.  And five years later, we took a leap of faith and left all we knew to move to the frozen Tundra... also known as Missouri.  :)  

As you can see, I've never lived anywhere for more than 6 years.  When people ask me where I'm from (because my accent still gives me away) or where I grew up, I just generally say Louisiana, because with the exception of three years between ages 4-7, that's where I spent my formative years.  

I still find myself saying to people here that "we just moved here from Texas", but the reality is we have lived in the KC area for 6 1/2 years now.  For those keeping track at home, that means I have actually lived here for longer than I've lived anywhere else in my life!  When I realized that a couple of weeks ago, I was kind of shocked.  It made me start thinking about if this feels like home to me.  The truth is, I still feel like a transplant, so I can't say that this feels like home.  It feels as much like home as Fort Worth did, I guess.  It doesn't not feel like home.  I'm not sure that any place in the world feels like "home".  Perhaps that is a good tension to have as a follower of Christ.  There is no place in this world that is my permanent home.  My home is with Him in Heaven.  

My ultimate home is Heaven.  My temporary home is with the four awesome people that live in this little house with me. 

It's what we do

Eli got a tunnel for Christmas from his Gi and Papa. This is how I found him after his first day back to school today:

Just laying down and eating a snack! I knew he would like it, but I didn't realize how much. 

It's been so amazing to watch him in the last year as he has begun to recognize his sensory needs and either be able to meet them himself or tell us what he needs.

When we were on our trip to Disney World, we realized that he loves the sound of trickling water. I downloaded a noise machine app for my phone with that sound. One night we were crammed onto a bus with lots of people including crying babies and kids (one of his triggers).  Instead of melting down, he was able to tell me "turn on the water". So I turned on the app and held it to his ear all the way back to the hotel. It was such a huge moment for us.  It was only a couple of months ago that the sight and sound of kids left him covering his ears and squeezing his eyes shut while completely shutting down in every other way. He's come so far!!! 

New Year's Rockin' Eve with Haley and Eva

Ryan has had the flu for the last 8 days. It has made for a long week. I have caregiver fatigue. I've been taking care of a sick husband, 3 kids, and trying to clean so no one else gets sick on top of working my full time job. Thankfully I didn't have too much going at work this week and I mostly work from home so I didn't have to find anyone who was willing to take my kids. 

Between all of that, it made for a Rockin NYE party! Eva was determined to stay awake until midnight this year. If it weren't for her I probably would have been asleep by 10. 😊. I introduced Eva to the movie Ever After which was fun. I had also promised the kids earlier in the day that I would take them to get cupcakes. However, when we got there they had already closed. We made our own instead. 

Mmmmm!

We did the midnight count down, I kissed her, sent her to bed, and I crashed on the couch for a few precious hours of sleep. I'm hopeful next year involves less sickness. 

Tonight we're having Friday Movie Night and watching Finding Nemo. Although it appears that two kids are more interested in their popcorn. 😊

I am enough.

I have this inner voice.  Sometimes I do a good job of telling it to shush, but many times it shouts at me.  It says things like You're not a good mom.  You aren't pretty enough... thin enough... smart enough... disciplined enough...   Well you get the idea.  We really are our own worst enemy, aren't we?  I know I am.  Recently I was getting ready and was criticizing all of my flaws.  All of a sudden, I heard the sweet voice of Jesus whisper "You are enough."  In that moment, something changed in me and it seems to have taken root.  I am enough because of Jesus.  Because of His work on the cross, I don't have to do or be anything other than who He's created me to be.  I have found so much freedom in that.  Obviously this isn't new information for me, but for some reason it has finally sunk in to the places where it hasn't before.

I decided that morning that this year I'm not setting any type of crazy New Year's resolution.  My only goal for the year is to continue to walk in the freedom of the truth that I am enough because of Jesus.   As I've continue to mull this over in the last couple of weeks, I've realized how much social media can emphasize the problem of not measuring up.  You've heard it said that we tend to compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.  As much I love Instagram and Pinterest, I think it's time to take a step back.  (Please don't read any judgment for loving and using those things.)

Maybe I'll spend more time here, writing down our little family's memories, sharing what I'm learning.  We'll see.  But for now, I'm just going to be digging into some books and retraining my brain to believe that I am enough because of Jesus.

And so are you.

Feeling a little sad

I've started several posts in the last 4 months, but got too distracted to finish. A quick recap: Eva started 3rd grade, Eli started kindergarten, Isaac started preschool, I went back to work full-time, we took a fun trip to Disney World, and scattered into all of that we've had fun memories at home. 

When school started, Eli started making amazing progress. Within a couple of weeks his anxiety lessened and he no longer needed to wear his headphones to school. And just a couple of weeks ago he asked to start eating lunch with his class rather than in the special Ed room. It's been awesome to watch him learn and grow. 

For the last couple of weeks, I've noticed a change in Eli. I've assumed he was just tired from our travels. But this morning he was asking if he had to go to school today and he was happy when I said no. I was a little hesitant when I told him that it was a church day. I wasn't sure how he would respond. In his monotone voice he said, "Woohoo. I'm so excited. I love going to church."  Then he told me that he doesn't like school. It took a while to get around to the why because he has a hard time processing that question, but he was finally able to tell me that he doesn't like school because his friends don't like him. It broke my heart. He said that there is a little girl "H" that gets mad at him. He said, "H tells me to stop it." I wasn't ready for this part of school yet. And I'm sad for my boy. I want other kids to love him for all of his good qualities and overlook his struggles. My Eli is the sweetest kid ever! He gets excited about things I find mundane.  He feels deeply. 

Please don't say that.

At the risk of sounding overly sensitive, I am going to vent for a bit. 

People make a lot of assumptions about the autism community. One of those assumptions is that kids with autism are particularly gifted. Geniuses even. What's actually true is that this is only the case for about half of the autism population.  

Today I was talking to an acquaintance and mentioned that Eli had been diagnosed with autism since we'd last spoken. This person replied with, "oh! I bet he's really smart, huh?" 

Friends, please file this under "things not to say." I realize that she meant nothing by it.  It was likely the first thing she thought to say. And I'm certainly not holding a grudge. However, I would love for this to be a teaching point. 

So here's what you should remember: if you wouldn't say it to a typically-developing child, then don't say it to or about a child with special needs. It's offensive. 

Eli may be gifted as he grows up. Or he may not be. But right now, he's FIVE. You don't walk up to other five year olds and ask if they're gifted in the areas of music or sports or fact retention. You talk to 5 year olds about what they like to do, who their friends are, etc. Do the same for any child with special needs. 

But what if the child can't answer? It's really okay. If you ask Eli who his friends are, he may not give you an age-appropriate response. That's okay. I'll appreciate that you treated him like you would any other child.  If in 15-20 years he shows a real gift in any one area, we'll be excited to tell you about it. In the meantime, the fewer assumptions you make, the better. 

I hope this post doesn't come across that I'm irritated. I'm not. Just a general PSA. :)

A big day!

This girl learned to ride with no training wheels this week! She conquered her fear of falling and now she's a pro! She is so proud of herself and feels free as a bird. She told me that she feels like she can go anywhere now! :) And she can...so long as she stays on our sidewalk within eye sight.